Learning Forgiveness

Welcome back conglomerates, thank you for meeting with me another week. Before I start with this week’s memoir, I want to take a moment aside to thank you all as this week Nickkie&Co has reached 50 subscribers! Despite how small the number may be to others it is a large number to me because it means, faithfully, my post reach at minimum 50 people a week & can possibly help one or more of those 50 people. I also want to note that I know these numbers do not include my faithful readers who have not subscribed & the others who may occasionally run into a memoir & share it to help another woman get through their current situation as I appreciate your support too! Regardless of the reason or the audience, I am truly grateful to you & the efforts you have done to support Nickkie&Co & it’s mission. You are all appreciated.

Now until further a due I present this week’s memoir on — FORGIVENESS.

For the purposes of this memoir I have spent days trying to reflect on what forgiveness truly is. I know what people say it is & I can rationally comprehend what people mean when they ask someone to forgive them. I even understand the  cliche’ conveniently reminding us to “forgive and forget”, or to “forgive and never forget”. As a christian woman, I understand that I am to forgive as Jesus/God forgives me. Learning to forgive has proven to be a task, among other things, that I am still actively working on. If I were honest I do not think I have ever truly forgiven anyone that has crushed me to my core. In my experiences, I have learned to move up, over & past things because that is what I had to do, I accepted things as whatever they were & with time *inserts cliche’* all wounds eventually healed. But truly, consciously forgiving someone is another story. With forgiveness, I understand that once you forgive someone you do not necessarily have to treat someone the same as you have before. I also understand the idea that you forgive not for the other person but for yourself. I even understand that forgiving others that have harmed you contributes to your healing so you do not carry baggage from one situation to the next regardless of the dynamics. But aside from occasssionally rekindling friendships with people I have previously ended ties with, I have never given much thought to forgiveness until recently & not in the conventional way that has been presented to us since youth.

Though I am actively learning forgiveness in the way it has been presented; I have started to practice a form of forgiveness that we do not hear about often; forgiving myself. I recognize that once I have fully forgiven myself & healed from the shortcomings I have done to myself, it is then that I have reached the threshold of emotional intelligence that would allow me to consciously forgive others who have harmed me, hurt me or disappointed me. But before I can forgive anyone for what they have done to me, I have to first forgive myself for short changing myself in situations I know I should not have whether it was a romantic and/or friendly relationship or a professional situation in which I have accepted something that I should not have.

For far too long women put ourselves last on the list of priorities in our lives. We have knowingly turned our cheeks while someone lied to us looking directly in our faces. We have brought food & continued to bring food to a table that was only half standing. We have allowed people to take away our worth, devalue us or humiliate us. We have succumbed to substance abuse or other addictive & harmful behaviors failing to tend to our true needs. We have convinced ourselves that what we feel is not good enough & that the other woman or the other man is better than us; that they are more worthy. We have told ourselves we are not capable & we have taken life from our own souls in an attempt to deposit life into someone else’s. We stopped viewing ourselves in our rightful role as queen & have allowed ourselves to be servants when we did not want to be. We have forgotten who we were in the name of reminding someone else who they were & we have carried our burdens on our back throughout our lives without giving ourselves the appropriate time to heal from our pain, saddness & our experiences. Though, we can not blame ourselves for the actions of others, we have to be accountable for the things we have repeatedly allowed other people to do to us so that we never let it happen again.

Conglomerates, it is time we start loving into ourselves in a forgiving & nurturing way. We can do this by moving on from our past that we hold ourselves accountable for so that we can move on in a healthy way. As woman we hold ourselves more accountable for the things that happen to us instead of accepting our circumstances as what they are. We have to acknowledge that our experiences are a learning process & as long as we continue learning than we have obtained what we needed to obtain from the situation. We have to remind ourselves that it is time to stop punishing ourselves for what we are holding on to & move forward. There is strength & courage behind the ability to heal & forgive ourselves as well as the forgiveness we give to others. We do not have to be ashamed of the hiccups because they contribute to who & what we are today. Each of these experiences make us beautiful but we should no harbor them to the degree that they taint our beauty. We need to forgive ourselves so we can evolve to our highest potential. Once we learn to let go & forgive ourselves it is then that we (at least myself) can truly experience a happy life that includes the experience of forgiving others. Until then conglomerates take your time. Forgive yourself as you heal & bring yourself to terms with the things that have happened so forgiveness becomes a task that simply starts to comes easily. We are doing this–TOGETHER.

XO.

The Truth About Closure

closed-door-550x367I have broken up with boyfriends & past the point of “it’s over” much else would not be said on my end. Whether I deleted my ex beau’s number, have opted to not answer text or phone calls or even went as far as blocking them, I am often the friend the baffles my friends with the “savagery” as they wonder what happened to the closure. Simply put, closure to an already failing relationship is an excuse to hold on to something that should be over in the first place. It keeps the door open for your ex to pop up, interrupt your peace & potentially hinder your healing process. Instead of truly closing the door on the relationship it now has the potential to become the revolving door & never ending cycle of the on-again-off-again relationship that so many of us get caught up in. Therefore closure, simply put, is a TRAP.

Chasing after the answers you know the answer to & chasing after the apology you believe you deserve often results in time lost that you will never get back. As a deserving woman who is attempting to pick up the pieces by healing & preserving your peace the explanation they give will never be good enough. Despite what they say, or how much they apologize, waiting for a subpar explanation hinders your healing process. Take what you know of the situation & use that as motivation to fuel your healing. Use the time you would use “waiting” to contribute to something productive & valuable to you. Start the self care process. Use the time you would spend seeking closure to grieve & build up your self-self esteem so that you can move forward with your life with no set backs that will have you feeling disappointed in yourself later.

In the past, I can recall the times I have engaged in these closure conversations that resulted in me being set back further in my hurt. Instead of being satisfied with what I was told, I was unsure of the truth, I was crying again, I was disappointed again, I was embarrassed, questioning myself & wondering why I even had the conversation in the first place. In a moment of grief we have different triggers that can impact us negatively, our minds race, we put pieces together to things that were hidden from us & depending on how well the other person feels the conversation went they will start popping up with occasssional phone calls & “just checking on you” text mesaages & disturbing your peace at their will. With time, in our vulnerable state, every attempt at communication makes our hearts grow fonder & can make it a bit harder to move up, over & past it.

Conglomerate, please believe me when I tell you, the closure you are anxiously seeking is not coming from your ex. There is nothing they can say that can make you feel better about what transpired. In fact, the closure you desire comes from a source you least expect– YOU. Once you invest in your healing, move on from the relationship & find your peace you will than have the closure you wanted. You will never find peace responding to those “hey, just checking on you”, “I miss you” text messages or answering, & engaging in heated phone conversations that go back and forth in manipulative banter. Peace will never find you that way. In fact, I am a firm believer, in blocking and deleting numbers, regardless of how “good” or “bad” the breakup was because it is important to me to preserve my inner peace. That is what I want for you– PEACE. Regardless of how short or long the relationship was, every encounter takes from you & you have to work on putting back the pieces of yourself. Succeeding in this is the sure way to find your closure. Conglomerate, build, grow and invest in your self peace so that somewhere along the way you will unlock the door to true closure. You are worth everything you invest in yourself.

Until next time conglomerates, happy healing.

XO

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Your Power

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Welcome back conglomerates. Today I am going to discuss a topic that up until this week I thought I had mastered. I am referring to the art of not allowing other people, outside of myself, to steal my joy. This week I learned that despite how far I have come on my self love pursuit there are still things I need to keep working on.

This week was a trying week for me at a job I just started about 3 months ago. The trying part was not the requirements of the job or how I managed my time. The challenge for me was how I let other people’s behaviors effect me to the point that I lost my power. A situation occured that had me responding out of character. Instead of leaving it as what it was, I internalized it & allowed other people’s immoral behavior effect the way I processed, felt & how I went on about my day. I allowed people whose opinions mean very little to me outside of my work enviornment to effect my mood so badly that I could not sleep at night. It was not until right before I started writing this memoir that I realized that I let these people snatch my joy for a few days. When I allowed these people to take my joy I allowed them to have power over me.

As we go through our day & are stimulated by the things around us it is important that we maintain control of our emotions by not allowing anyone the liberty to effect them to the degree that I did this week. As women, we give many people & many situations power over us just by relinquishing our joy & happiness to the situations that are presented. We become unhappy when we have disagreements with people we maintain professional & personal relationships with. Many times instead of dealing with the situation as what it is, we fail to move past it by letting it keep us up at night, from eating, going to the gym, isolating ourselves or failing to engage in other self love regimes we have discovered gives us joy.

It is not realistic for me to promote turning your emotions off or ignoring behaviors that have hurt you or have caused harm. But to fester, replay the situation repeatedly & obsessing on how you should have handled things is not contributing to self care instead it does the exact opposite. It promotes someone to be the puppet master of your life without you intentionally promoting them. I never understood this when I was younger but I understand it so much better now. People can only do what you allow them to do. The way we can ensure people do not interrupt our peace is by making consious decisions to be mindful that all situations do not last forever. Although it does not always feel like it, we have complete control of how we react to the things that happen to us. We lose control when we are past the point of being rational. As women going places, we have to keep in mind that no one is worthy of our power & many of the situations we face daily truly are just beneath us & are not worth the energy. As I have said in previous memoirs, your time is valuable, it is billable & everyone is not entitled to it. Every minute you give someone else your joy based on something they have done to you, is a minute you have given away freely. Your time is valuable & so is your power. Your power is your super power & all people, situations or things do not warrant a reaction, especially not a continuous reaction. You are the creator of your story line. People & situations can only contribute to it based on how you allow them to. Regain your power. It is yours for the keeping. You have every right to keep it, store it & protect it.

XO.

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Use Your Story…

bookConglomerates, one of the amazing things about being a woman is that we are multifaceted. What people see is not always what people get & despite how different we are from one another we all have different stories & experiences that make us who we are. These experiences influence our motives, moods, passions, how we treat others & how we allow others to treat us. The real gem is that we go through many things, think many things & despite what we go through people will never know what or how our experiences have truly effected us. Quite frankly, all of us, in some way are still healing from things we have never talked about. So I devote this memoir to a new perspective– from not speaking about our experiences but instead to doing the opposite. As women going places we should talk about our experiences so that we can help other women get through their difficult times.

As women, we go through many things in our lives & out of concern of appearing too sensitive, being judged, feeling alone or in the process of healing, we do not usually share what we have been through. We need to take a different approach to this. Beautiful things will happen within the female population if we share our stories openly. Even if we are still standing in the middle of our own storm sharing it can present us with an opportunity that reminds us we are not alone. It can also help another woman realize, despite what she feels like, she is not weathering her storm alone & despite its magnitude she will & can get through it. In our tribulations we often feel isolated in our circumstances & unrelatable. But if we knew that our stories were similar to other women who got through it –whether it was the stress of starting a business, surviving a break up, going through a divorce, struggling in grief or battling illness — we can be the example of someone who saw the eye of the storm & made it through.

I keep this in mind when I write my memoirs every week. Though, I may not be going through every topic currently, I still speak from my experiences in hopes that it will resonate with someone, somewhere who feels defeated, who is struggling or is having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Nonetheless, I still acknowledge that I am still learning how to survive & although I may not have it all together right now I am still a work in progress. This is what we should all to do for each other. We should network in our experiences so we can continue to build each other up to live our best lives. Share your story even if you think it is not important because I can guarantee you that your story, your success will touch someone you do not even know. Be able to pull the lesson from every situation so it can contribute to your growth & be passed on to others. Most importantly remind someone they are not alone.

If we start working within ourselves as a population, we will be able to make strides outside of ourselves to not only heal & empower ourselves but other people. In order to do this, we have to be able to reach our hands out to our sisters so we can walk through our experiences together because no matter which way we look at it, even if our stories did not unfold the same way, our stories are similar. We are relatable, we are united in our histories & our endings can be happy. Sometimes it just takes a group effort instead of a singular pursuit. Conglomerate, sharing your story is the first stride to ensuring a happy ending, making us relatable to one another & keeping us united. Do not shy away from what can make the world of difference in someone’s life because your story matters.

XO.

Falling in Love With Potential

Today’s memoir is a memoir that we can all resonate with. Either we do this or we know someone that is a frequent perpetrator. The person who continues falling in love with someone’s potential instead of falling in love with THEM as what they are at the moment & what they can offer you RIGHT NOW. Before I start, I understand that all relationships have their ups & downs. I also understand that many grown up relationships may consist of periods when one person has to pull the weight for a little while the other half gets it together. I also understand there are circumstances when both are meeting at the table with what they have to offer & are both striving equally to reach a goal. This memoir is not directed to those relationships or for those people.

This memoir is for the person just like myself. The person who instead of being realistic with what is being brought to us by a prospect, we get caught up in the potential of what they could be or what we could be together …if they could get it together. Major ERROR NUMBER 1. This as a result ends with us being completely disappointed & wondering what went wrong when we thought we finally had it right this time. Well I can tell you, because it is something I am still actively working on & though it took me a long time to realize it, the truth is –accepting someone because of their potential is just a nicer way of saying that — you are settling for less than what you are deserving of.

Now I understand that everyone may not have it all together right away, but the danger in potential is that we become oblivious to the clear-cut red flags waving at us to stay away. Quite frankly, when I reflect on some of my relationships or should I say my most hurtful situations, I wish I listened to my tribe member when she said, “Nick, when someone shows you their true colors, believe them.” I wish I would have understood the magnitude of what that meant when I heard it, but I was so blinded by potential that although I felt her statement made a good quote for a future meme, I felt it really did not apply to me. But if I tell you, IT DID!

It will serve of great value if we treat the dating process as employers treat the employment process. They compile a list of resumes of great characteristics, have an intense interview process & still hire people on a probationary period until they prove themselves. You see, you do not hear employers hiring anyone because of their potential. Instead, they review credentials, they speak to references, run background checks & confirm employment dates to ensure that they are not hiring someone who in turn fails to represent their brand, their investment & their sacrifice appropriately. We need to be just as thorough with our time & our choices.

As women going places, we do not always put value to the time we invest in people. We give our time away freely wanting to be Ms. Fixer-Upper taking on full projects to build up, remodel, & clean up people who show little to no signs that they are worth it. All because we see the potential of what they could be, how they could be or what we could be. As a result, our resources start running thin, our time starts being taken for granted & we get frustrated or disappointed when behaviors we enabled become expected with little reciprocation. We have to protect our time. The time we invest in someone is billable. We do not work for our employers for free just out of the kindness of our heart. We expect payment for the 8-10 hours we are there therefore we should not freely give up our resources, our time & our love without ensuring we give it to the right person, a deserving person, someone who can actively contribute to the cause. This mindset needs to be used in all relationships we encounter– family, friends, cohorts or love interests. Granted, I am not saying this is a pay & claim process, that you must expect something every time you do something nice for someone. I am saying potential has us wasting our time on people who do not fit the mold of our standards if we were not caught up in this illusion. In turn we get tired, regretful & go on hiatuses to get our minds right.

So many women end relationships knowing they should not have started them in the first place. Investing all our time & energy into someone who may or may not see the potential in themselves, wearing us thin. In turn we become tired. Tired of pulling all the weight, tired of not catching a break & tired of being disappointed because they never live up to what we believe they could be. We see & invest in the potential of someone else & neglect the potential in ourselves, we fail to nurture it & love into it. If we are to reach the highest threshold of our lives, all that extra energy we spend investing in others we must do for ourselves because whatever the outcome, whatever the cause, we are worth it.

With that, establish your bottom line so you can eliminate the possibility of disappointment. Give people time to show you that they are worthy before you invest in them entirely based on what you believe they can be. Disappointment lingers when you see the potential in them that they do not see in themselves. When the discrepancy becomes clear to them they will not correct you instead they thrive on the opportunity & feast on it. They will take what they can out of you while potential has you out here trippin’. Believe what people show you & do not store good deeds in your emotional bank for so long that you ignore the warning signs when they appear.

Conglomerate, you work hard and deserve the best life & you deserve to be surrounded by people who will contribute to it. Life can & will be full of ups & downs & learning experiences but for a change let us see what these experiences do for our own potential instead of using our lives to invest in the potential of someone else.

Until next time conglomerates, remember to live your best life while thriving in your own potential.

Xo.

 

Breaking Bread With The Unsupportive

We have all encountered them. The individuals that always have so much to say but so little to offer. The people who have a list of comments on the things you should do but never does that list consists of the things they could do to help you. These are people we have befriended & dated & despite moving past these incidents, for whatever reason, their input & their opinions effect us more than then those of the people who truly have our best interest at heart. Why? Could it be that we truly care what it is they have to say or is it how the say it? Could it be that their negative comments outweigh the magnitude of the good we receive from them? Or does it have everything to do with the fact that these people never cease to amaze us? Instead of offering encouraging words of assistance & positive suggestions, they instead bring their gloom of bad energy in their wake claiming to offer “constructive criticism” or “opportunities for growth”. Is it a coincidence that their “pep talks” always surface at your brightest moments?

Unfortunately, I can see these individuals when they are amongst my friends (friend’s friends) but often fail to notice these people when they are surrounding me. Who wants to believe that the person they are laying with or a member of their tribe truly fails to push them to their highest potential? I often have to learn the hard way. For instance,  when I found something I loved to do, when it helped me be a better person & they saw my growth & potential, that is when the spotlight shined on them brightest. I did not want to believe it but I had to acknowledge it. By the comments & actions that were made, I learned that everyone sitting on your side of the ring is not always in your corner. I urge you, in these circumstances to use your gift of discernment when dealing with these people. Understand that these very people, regardless of the role they play in your life, will NEVER possess the courage or the drive to do what you do. They are the mouth piece behind the podium for a conference with no audience. These people rather point out all the things you do incorrectly as you progress through the phases in life but some how they are always stuck in place, never advancing, never growing but always speaking on what they want to do but lack execution. If we are not careful these people will be the potholes in our lives that will permanently damage our tires & we will be stuck there doing nothing with them.

So, as a woman going places, keep in mind that all constructive criticism is not constructive & it can not be received by everyone. Many people will claim to see the vision, to support the goal & be apart of the mission but very few will be willing to fight the fight & shed the tears with you. That is why it is important that you are careful about the feedback you receive & how you execute it. Though all feedback is not bad some people have too much to say with very little substance. Unfortunately, in my life I have had to learn this & have had to keep this in mind in many aspects of my life. Conglomerates, sometimes you are not just tripping, sometimes you are not overthinking & yes, sometimes it is hard to believe but listen, trust your gut. If it is telling you to be weary then listen. We have to learn to listen to our instincts, trust our instincts & learn from them.  Practicing this does not make us arrogant. It makes us smart & helps us protect our investment— US & anything that will contribute to our evolution, our growth & our happiness. When you are doing well, look closely to who is clapping when you win. People will show you their true colors within your success. Being mindful of how they celebrate your success will surely prepare you for some truths that can deter disappointment in the future.  Unfortunately, it is true what they say, misery does love company.

Conglomerate, YOU CAN NOT BE COMPANY. No one will grind as hard for your dreams as you would. Though you will find people along your journey who will share the vision, pay just as much attention to those who do not. Protect your investment, protect your brand. You are amazing & a force to be reckoned with. You work hard & are deserving of all you have worked for. Do not allow for anyone to have you second guessing your purpose, your ability, talents & the reason why you are here. Make the negative positive & use it to fuel your potential. You owe no explanations.

xo.

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Conglomerates, please share your experiences with unsupportive spouses, friends, family? Did things get better? How were you able to overcome the situation to fuel a better life for yourself?

Nurture Your Mental Health

Nickkie&Co. actively promotes that conglomerates live our best lives & do so in any way we choose. Today’s memoir focuses on a serious topic that has yet to be discussed on the Nickkie&Co. platform– mental health. Living our best lives requires that we nurture our mental health & address when there is a need. See, people fail to realize that mental health is all encompassing & includes our mental, emotional & physical state of being. Therefore it is essential that we take care of it, nurture it & love into it because in neglecting it we fail to contribute to our best lives & the lives of those in whom we love.

See, society has come to stigmatize mental health as if it is not a concern that influences everyone. As a result many of us are ashamed to express or seek help when our mental health is at stake. As women and/or minorities, the stigmas & negative representation associated with mental health has shut us up for far too long! The culture we were raised up in, the mental health tagging/excuse of mass shooters & the idea that “normal” people do not have mental health instabilities has silenced us in ways that can only cause us more harm than good. These reasons alone have made us unrelatable to one another. Unrelatable because we do not want to be like the mass shooters or the other individuals that have been black-balled by society. This in turn causes us to not seek assistance or vocalize when something is or has effected us. But the dirty truth is, at some point of our lives we have all been mentally inefficient & though some of us can “get it together” sooner than others, others have a harder time & others experience mental instability on an on-again-off-again basis– it is totally normal!!! The extent in which we recover has nothing to do with our strength to overcome, instead it has everything to do with our personal stories & how they have effected us.

In deciding to create Nickkie&Co. I realized the importance of people not feeling alone. I realized that in my most trying times, during my most stressful situations & in my worst state of mind, despite the people who were around me with open arms, my physical state & my relationships wavered due to my inability to acknowledge that I needed help. I became a slave to my issues & I would never want this for Nickkie&Co. conglomerates or anyone for that matter. That is why I created this platform to bring this pandemic to light because these issues effect us regardless of our race, age or creed. Issues like this makes us most relatable to one another.

Therefore, I urge that we accept mental health as a natural part of life & we make it a group effort to help & heal one another. We have to get out of our own way so that we may progress to the next level by investing in our mental health.

  • Feel comfortable to seek help from a mental health provider & discuss your options
  • Learn to express yourself & acknowledge what you are feeling
  • Learn that what you feel is totally ok & someone else has been there
  • Reach out to close friends or hotlines to help you get back on track
  • Pursue new hobbies that will help you discover a new & improved version yourself
  • Meditate
  • Check in on one another
  • Even when you feel fine, you need to still invest in taking care of your mental being so you can continue to feel that way

Most importantly, make sure it has YOU in mind & ignore the uneducated, ignorant, judgmental opinions of people who are in denial that they too experience mental inefficiency at times. Keeping this in mind is essential to ensure you remain HEALTHY. I can not stress this enough. We are human, we feel, we bleed & because as human beings our processing is never ending this can be hard on us. We must accept this.

I wholeheartedly believe that if we accept mental health as apart of our lives & if we deal with this appropriately, the rates of depression, suicide, substance abuse, mass shootings, homicide, violence, high mortality along with other plaguing conditions that jeopardize our quality of life will significantly decrease. As rates decrease, pharmaceutical companies will stop making billions of dollars on medications that may or may not nurse one condition while exposing us to multiple side effects that can be more harmful to us & media avenues will have less topics to discuss that distract us from the real issues around us. Now do not get me wrong, this is not to say medications are not needed, but every problem does not require medication as a solution. In fact, acceptance & preventative measures can add so much quality to our existence that we will be a force to be be reckoned with.

So conglomerates, I beg you, love yourself enough to care for yourself in this way as this is a true way to be happy & live your best life. Educate yourself so you can help yourself or someone else identify a need. Be your sisters keeper & this is the same for our brothers. Let us not allow other factors be the reason for our demise. We are a united front. Let us build each other up so we can start walking on our own, taking baby steps, scheduling our own appointments & making strides to living full & healthy lives. Most importantly, let us embrace the person who expresses they need help instead of turn them away. Let’s build each other up so that we can be our best selves, live our best lives at all times.

xo.

For help, please feel comfortable going to your primary care provider or calling 9-1-1 if there is an urgent situation that needs assistance immediately. But in the event that you would want some information or assistance locating a mental health provider near you, or do not feel comfortable with the other two options, I have included below two resources that can assist you.

SAMHSA Treatment Referral Helpline, 1‑877‑SAMHSA7 (1‑877‑726‑4727)

Get general information on mental health and locate treatment services in your area. Speak to a live person, Monday through Friday from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. EST.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1‑800‑273‑TALK (8255) or Live Online Chat

If you or someone you know is suicidal or in emotional distress, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.Trained crisis workers are available to talk 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Your confidential and toll-free call goes to the nearest crisis center in the Lifeline national network. These centers provide crisis counseling and mental health referrals.

Seasons With Seasonal People

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Welcome back Conglomerates. Today’s memoir is about learning to accept seasonal people, accepting the season in which they appear & accepting OUR season, as it is. So often as women we build relationships with people expecting a solid foundation that would prove to be a lifeline for a lifetime. Often, despite the clear cut signs that certain individuals are not meant to be eternal lifelines we insist & prolong relationships without accepting that sometimes a short period of time is all that is needed for some people to serve their purpose in our lives.
Like the four seasons, all relationships whether platonic, romantic or friendly are not always meant to last forever. Some people are really only supposed to be around for your winter season but are to wean off in time for your new spring season but even when we know this, we have & continue to keep people around for longer than they should be. While we have them, I say we value them, treat them well, accept the season, accept them for what they are & act accordingly when time is up. Their sole purpose, despite how long, is to be present during the best and/or worst times of our life’s journey.
Seasonal people serve their purpose during the most monumental moments of our lives– the good, the bad & the ugly. They can be included in our bridal party, our best friend during a divorce, celebrating promotions, praying for us during loss, encouraging us while in school, financial support during unemployment & planning baby showers during pregnancy. They teach us lessons, serve as distractions, or are a good time during bad times. Regardless of the reason, all seasonal people do have a purpose but sometimes just as quickly as they come is just as quickly as they go. Despite how our season has ended, bad, good or indifferent it should not be mulled over with bitterness as the need provided by them has been fulfilled & it was time to move on. Once it is over we can recognize that we are not the same person now that we were before we met them. In our encounter we ended up learning new facets about ourselves that have contributed to a stronger & more self-aware person than we were before them & the evolution of these qualities is a result of our encounters with them.
Though I️ did not know it at the time, I have had short-term SEASONAL relationships & have prolonged them knowing I shouldn’t have. In retrospect, I️ can identify its purpose and my growth, even if it was only for a short period of time. Last year, I️ dated a guy for about 5 months. Things went well at first, it was fun, it was engaging, it was different. He came at a point in my life when something needed to change. I️ was holding on to things & people that should have been let go long before he came into the picture. So his presence, helped me let those unhealthy people, habits & situations go. At some point though, the relationship became strained & prolonged by him not accepting OUR season together was over & me having to accept that some good people just are not for me (we will revisit that topic at another time). Though it ended, I️ am able to reflect on what his purpose was in my life, even if he did not know it. He was able to assist me in getting out of my depression, helped me refocus my energies on things other than the things that made me sad & he taught me how to have a good time. For those few months he played a significant role in my life but when it was time to let it go, I now know I should have done just that– let it go. Though it lasted 5 months it really should have ended at three. Since it did not end at 3 months & we insisted on prolonging what already was over we saw the ugly in each other that could have been avoided if we just accepted each other for what we were to each other; seasonal people. I had to embrace the fact that although our season was fun, it was over. So, regardless of the dynamics of our relationship with someone it is important to acknowledge the purpose of those who have crossed our paths & made a difference even if it was only for a short time.
Accepting this DOES NOT make us a bad person, it in fact makes us realists. It allows us to accept relationships & people just for what they are. It teaches us to accept a person’s purpose while accepting the purpose we may serve in someone else’s life. This will in turn allow us to accept OUR season. Thrive off of what comes of these relationships, we will not be the same after the encounter, regardless of how hurtful or damaging they were because once the “damage” is done & moved past we emerge with a perspective of ourselves & our situations that contribute significantly to us living our best lives. Make the best out of it, whether the experience is one we reflect on with affection or disappointment. As we continue to adventure through our seasons this enables us to love into & appreciate the lifelong, truly fulfilling relationships we have created.
Until later tea party – remember to live your best life– seasonal people & all.
Xo.

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Conglomerates, in what way have seasonal people help you evolve into the person you are today? Is there anything you can contribute to this concept of season people?

Ohh, Child You’re Ugly!

IMG_1894I am sitting behind the monitor struggling to come up with a topic that will truly inspire me today. See, as I write I never truly know what I will choose to write about as I am inspired differently every time I sit down to share with you. I always pray & ask god to guide me in the direction that will inspire me to write so that I can reach who I am supposed to reach. See, I realize that a topic that inspires me, never fails to inspire my readers & it is my biggest desire to continue with this trend. Since Nickkie&Co. went live, we have talked about different ways to feel empowered & how to take it into our own hands (Advocating For Yourself, Fighting Fear). How to love ourselves unconditionally (Self Love is NOT Selfish ), how to ignore society (Beauty Fades &Who Says) & how linking up with other women who empower us to be our best selves (Building A Sisterhood) serves to be a benefit.

Today, despite what other discussions we have had, I have to acknowledge that women are multifaceted, things are not always one-sided & unfortunately, society is not always our worst enemy. As a way to empower women, I must acknowledge that many times a woman’s worst enemy is a sadly a woman. In fact, it is not always the chauvinistic pig who prefers favors in exchange for goods. Hell, it is not even always society who we need to be weary of. Sadly, we have to come to the realization that we also contribute to the set back of some women, specifically if we have declared them an enemy. In the memoir, Building A Sisterhood, I mentioned how effective a relentless, empowered & motivated a group of women are when united for a common cause. Historically, women joining together has resulted in amazing things— the right to vote, the right to work & the “Me Too” movement are clear indicators that women are not a force to be reckoned with. These examples show that in times of adversity, women will come together to overcome.

Unfortunately, on the flip side, a woman who is relentless, motivated, angry & insecure with momentum can reap a degree of havoc that fails to empower & uplift other women. Whatever the reason, however it is done, it results in us stooping down to behavior that is beneath us in order to make another woman feel miserable. Momentum that is fueled with ill intent & grown in negative situations will prohibit both sides from reaching their highest potential.  We HAVE to STOP this.

Notice I said “we” as I am guilty of this too & have noticed in my most trying & hurtful situations, I have seen an ugly side of myself that I did not recognize. A side of myself I have been ashamed of because naturally, the woman that situation made me was not me. Though many people will not openly admit this, many of you can reflect back to a time when you were not your most beautiful & when looking in the mirror you hardly recognized your reflection. Women hurt each other in so many different ways it is almost hard to list the ways– we disrespect each other by sleeping with each other’s men when we should have walked away, we have stabbed each other in the back in situations when we should have been supportive, we have disrespected one another by fighting in the street, providing entertainment for social media or calling each other out our names in order to devalue another woman’s worth. This is not short of deliberately & maliciously hindering another woman’s advancement forgetting that our blessings are for us & theirs is for them.

It is difficult to pursue & promote women’s empowerment if women are failing to lead by example in the way we treat each other. Sometimes we may hate or dislike a woman based off of our own understanding. For instance, a least complex example, yet common situation can simply be that your lying man that is cheating on you can very well be her lying man cheating on her & she has no idea. Sometimes it is not the woman who is the problem it is the unideal situations we find ourselves in that we struggle to evaluate rationally because our emotions have us out of sync. The example provided is not always the case but it provides new insight that allows us to look at a common situation from a different perspective. To further elaborate, if in fact she did know that she was aiding your cheating boyfriend in your heartache would it be bothersome to figure that maybe she too needs healing, as she does not find herself to be worth more than the active role of someone’s “side-piece”. It is in the change of our perception that women empowerment comes in. Instead of putting each other on the stake, recognize that you both are hurting, you both have pain, you two just exhibit it in a different way.

As women, much of our pain & many of our inhibitions are grown with us from our youth. I speak of pain that has failed to be properly addressed because we have learned to bury it into our cores & continue on with our lives. We all have different motivations for the things we do & although we look at each other as if we are different, the truth is we are not much different after all. We all have a story, we all have fears, we all have things that spike our desires, we all have motivations, we all have feelings & we all have pain. Though the core of this looks different, we all have them. Knowing this, we have to be mindful. I know it is not easy to look at things differently within our pain & I know it is not easy to turn the other cheek when someone has hurt us deliberately (I struggle with this often) but we cannot push for the respect women deserve if we refuse to give it to each other.

Instead, even small gestures to a stranger will go an even further way, as the positivity you sow will surely grow. You would be surprised how speaking to a stranger can brighten their day. A smile & “good morning” stuns people like you are standing in front of them doing a magic trick. Pulling up to a drive-thru & asking the clerk how they are doing & actually waiting for their answer before making your request makes them slow down & answer. From my experience, many times you can even hear them smile through the intercom. That small interaction goes a long way & since I have practiced this, I do not recall having to go back because my order was incorrect. Maybe it is my luck but I like to equate it to making them feel valued, important or cared for. A simple, “you’re beautiful” to a woman who appears to be feeling down will surely make her smile. That very woman who just walked away smiling may fight internal insecurities everyday & you just gave her a small nudge to say, “look girl, you’re poppin”. Mark my words when I say, she will not forget it. This is the kind of energy we have to spread out into the world. We have to share our knowledge with one another so we can continue to grow & build as women. We have to learn to love ourselves so we can learn to love each other. We have to learn to become one with our pain, so we can recognize someone else’s.

We have to learn to look at each other as women to know empowerment starts & ends with us. Though it may not feel like it, many times the other woman crying & acting out is us because we have been there, we have just showcased our pain differently. If we can keep this in mind with our interactions not only will we be investing in other women we start investing in ourselves. It feels good to make others feel good. The truth is, although it seems like we always have it together, we don’t. Some of us hold it together better than others but we all have a story, some of our pages are weathered & torn, wrinkled & unbinding but it does not mean those pages do not matter because they do. Those pages are the nectar in the fruit of our existence & we need to love them & each other equally so together we can work on being our best selves.

Until next time Conglomerates, remember to keep living your best life, empowering one another in mind

Xo.

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Conglomerates, in what way can you actively reflect and contribute to women’s empowerment?

Sweetie, By Their Standard… Beauty Fades

BeautySociety’s vain imposition of beauty “is a combination of qualities, such as shape, color & form, that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially sight.” This definition has been created by someone else’s standard & beauty defined by someone else can be taken by the very person who has “given” it to you. This beauty is unreliable. Beauty, though sought after endlessly, is quantified by the appeasement of others. That is why I urge you to quantify your worth by something more valuable than “beauty“. Beauty created by the standard of society eventually fades as it is recycled & transitions like fashion trends. As women going places, a pretty face, an amazing body, and “good” hair is not going to do much for long. Eventually at some point, crows feet may grow near our eyes, our jeans may start to be difficult to put on, our once vibrant hair may start to turn grey & based on what society perpetuates as beauty, we then have a diminished selfesteem. We then become focused & obsessed on the remnants of what youth once provided to us – beauty. That is why I promote intellectual stability & defining beauty by your own standards.

How you do this is entirely up to you but I urge you to nurture what is inside of you that makes you more than what society says you are. Want to go back to school & get a degree or two? Go for it. Want to open your own business? Do it. Want to divulge in the arts? Be artistic. Want to be something more than breast and thighs? Challenge yourself. Teach yourself a new task. Want to show the world you are something other than what magazines, music videos, books, tv shows & other media avenues say you should be? You are more than capable. It starts with you. When beauty is defined by you it is no longer given to you on a conditional basis & can not be taken from you when someone is upset with you. When provided by you, to you, it is no longer superficial, fabricated for benefit or false. Knowledge & the beauty that comes from it is yours for the keeping.
As a woman going places, you can not allow society to have you looking in the mirror unsure of who you are, what you are worth or if the reflection looking back at you makes you good enough. Allow your knowledge to challenge societies shortcomings. Develop yourself into someone whose worth is not solely reliable on a pretty face. Nurture the seed in your mind so it may grow into something that can add value into your life & others. Alone, this form of self investment, will have you ahead of society’s trends. This is what will allow you to not be defined by your physical appearance but will make you an anomaly in a frivolous world. Unfortunately, as society promotes & becomes more attractive to the superficial, the more unwilling people are to educate themselves in a way to ensure their survival. So all that is left, is what the eyes see, & what we see can often be deceiving. Defining beauty by visual aesthetics is how society ends up having the concept all wrong.
Beauty is the ability to still remain compassionate despite what obstacles you have to endure in life. Beauty is the ability to make someone else smile even though your day is not going so great. Beauty is the ability to look past the “ugly” & make it beautiful. Beauty is the ability to stand tall when you feel that your knees can buckle from stress. Beauty is the ability to love your flaws & lick your wounds so you can continue to become a better version of yourself. Beauty is the desire to want more for yourself. Beauty is your willingness to wake up everyday & go to a job you hate because you have a family to provide for. Beauty is the ability to not respond to names such as “b*tch”, “hoe” or “ma” but is the requirement to be called by your name & nothing less than “queen“. Beauty is the uncontrollable, child like laughter you feel in your gut when you let loose a little. Beauty is watching a movie & being so moved that it causes you to feel for the characters, to be the characters. Beauty is knowing your worth. Beauty is not settling for less. Beauty is the ability to look forward to tomorrow even though today was a horrible day. Beauty is a reminder that all though society has made beauty’s focus on superficial things, you are able to work on being beautiful inside so that your daily interactions inherit the same beauty. Beauty is the choice to do something nice without praise from someone else. Beauty is your ability to remain faithful. Beauty is kissing your kids good night or holding back tears so your children do not see you are upset. Beauty are those late nights, early mornings you have more often than you prefer. Beauty is the multitasker. Beauty is the woman who rolls out of bed with a head scarf, messy bun or drool on the side of her face. Beauty is you with or without the make up. Beauty is the ability to make decisions & own your choices. Beauty is the right mind to seek treatment when your mental health is at stake. Beauty is the ability to keep teaching yourself when you do not know something. Beauty is not taking defeat but is the defeated woman, as she will find the strength to get back up to fight again. Beauty is the choice to survive. Beauty is getting back up for another round even though the last one almost took you out. Beauty are the scars you hide from the world but examine every day. Beauty is the fearful woman who feels she has to hide behind a mask to feel accepted or loved. Beauty is the vulnerable woman who took a leap on faith. Beauty is the little girl you once were who grew up to the woman you are today. Beauty is woman. Beauty is you.
Beauty. is. you.
xo.
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Conglomerates,
What is beauty to you? How do you exercise different forms of beauty in your daily life? Has this memoir given you a new perspective on beauty or did it add to it?